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Except where noted, all original text & art ©2010 Eddie Flowers
 PHOTO BY MARK SULLO
Crawlin' Ed: Howdy, Uncle Jim. Good to have you here in theoretical Slippy Town for some honest talk. For a goddamn change, right? I think you've spent some time in Arizona . . . what's your take on that state's new law that will allow the pigs to demand proof of citizenship from suspected illegals? Uncle Jim: That's right, guy! Just another divide-and-conquer black hole for sheeple goin' ALL-IN, a coat hanger with foetus flesh in one hand, and a bible in the other--while the Internationalist Fucksticks shove another ten trillion pages of Draconian legislation through the back door of Congress as bibbly bobbly is dibble-dabbin' with his dumpling in a closet! This place has been getting sold down the motherfuckin' river since well before you were born . . . I’m 797 years old and saw it comin' in the early 1800s, FELLA! Crawlin' Ed: In a related funky situation, does our wise uncle get to any good tea parties? Chomsky has said some positive things about these supposed anti-government rabble-rousers. Is there some real shit going on there, or just a bunch of dumb crackers who can't believe the president is black (kinda) and his middle name is Hussein? Uncle Jim: Whatever real shit gets started ends up bein' bought off by the highest bidder. Ain't no pop movement ever gonna matter. There's only one solution and it involves a world tour with a massive guillotine and the longest line of criminals the globe has ever seen. We could start with the Fed and Rockefeller, the Queen and royal family of England, Mr. Red Shield, all central banksters, the royals of Holland, and work our way across the rest of the European dynasties to the mansions of Tel Aviv, Moscow, Beijing, Tokyo, and Sydney! And to top it all off, we'll ass-rape them Icke reptilians with the Ryugyong Tower until their eyes pop out . . . for good measure. This righteous trail of blood and mucus would leave a tear duct flowing from every Cherokee disco hooker and I'd be so inclined to lick those tears off their faces. That Chomsky is suspect cuz he don't know a controlled demolition when he sees one! My neighbor's 3-month-old cocker spaniel could tell you 9-11 was an inside job. If the balls aren't hangin' low, you're either a pussy fart collection plate or an accomplice: both sworn enemies of the Uncle Jim administration! Crawlin' Ed: Well, by now we all "know" that Obama is not a natural-born Amerikan, and he's a secret Muslim, and we're heading for one-world government--who gives a fuck about the first two things, and we've all been living under Illuminati UFO control for the past couple generations at least. But let's dig your POV on Barry Hussein. He's obviously just another corporate puppet, huh? Does he care any more about the Palestinians than any other Amerikan figure-head? Uncle Jim: Even if he did he's still slurping up AIPAC’s groin stench as if it was a pint of spiked borscht! His old man was on the wrong side of the Mau-Mau revolution in the 1950s and his globetrotting sex hooker mom was gang-bangin' mummies from Zanzibar to Pakistan to Jerusalem to Jakarta as her big-dick Uncle Cheney watched with cigar-drool contemplation from a red velvet throne he had to construct himself cuz the Queen never considered him any more than a chump-change coolie! Even LaRouche could tell you who's gonna paper-lace the trigger when the time comes and that'll likely put Farrakhan a bit too close to a murder scene for the second time in his career. The night Chicago died INDEED! Crawlin' Ed: How long before the U.S. fractures like the Soviet Union did? Uncle Jim: Not the same tallywhacker buzzsaw maintenance . . . the Ruskies were tryin' to maintain a half dozen Islama Stans out there and the jig was up after the MujahaDEAN Martians ran them outta KaBULL with Osama as their left cock. The U.S. is an extended bowling lane with 50 pins set up over and over getting pummeled by the Brunswick Bilderberger Behemoth! Crawlin' Ed: Hey, back to our first question--maybe Arizona will be the first to secede! I've been hoping California would do it for decades, but I think we're so fucked that we'll be begging for a federal bail-out soon. Uncle Jim: My old stompin' grounds of the Upper Peninsula have also been talkin separation, but let's face it, no one escapes from Alcatraz alive! Whether you run "Green Graze Grocery" in Vermont or the "Humboldt Hummers Dope-Ass Whorehouse" in Northern California, there ain't no get-outta-jail-free card! Crawlin' Ed: Heard any good Afghan hiphop recently? Uncle Jim: No, but I've been to Saint Louis! Crawlin' Ed: How about those recently discovered recordings of Muammar Gaddafi's mid-60s garage band? Uncle Jim: No shit! Ever heard his slick version of "Over-Under-Exxon's-Down”? Now there's a guy who knows how to go-go with the best of 'em! He asked Oum Khoultoum to let Khorshid write a Steppenwolf-type of tune for her--but of course she thought that stuff was a little too far out for her adoring public at the time. Crawlin' Ed: The so-called right-wing media loves to attack the so-called liberal media in the U.S. Who's really controlling this shit, Jim? Anybody? Uncle Jim: It's all now middle managed by society's imbeciles because the masters have engineered it so well for the past 200 years so that they don't need to control it--it controls itself--run by idiots for idiots as far as the eye can see. Crawlin' Ed: And if there is a conspiracy of silence, is it still a conspiracy? Uncle Jim: It's ALL a conspiracy! Crawlin' Ed: Hey man, how about some free association? From your email gut, please, Jim! First up . . . Elie Wiesel? Uncle Jim: Lying sack of shit! I've got his tattoo and he never had one! Finkelfuck said it best about those crocodile tears and alligator Netanyahu rectal adverbs and all the rest of it. . . . Crawlin' Ed: Fox News? Uncle Jim: An easy target, especially Glen Beckenstein! But what the idiot liberals don't realize is that NPR is their Fox News! Crawlin' Ed: Lady Gaga? Uncle Jim: I told her backstage at the Grammys that I wouldn't fuck her if she was the last woman alive--got a big laugh outta Kanye West. These entertainment whores are getting uglier by the generation! Crawlin' Ed: Rahm Emanuel? Uncle Jim: I'd tie him up to a hibachi, pour a half-gallon of Sophia Loren pussy bourbon down his throat, grill him over some Kingsford coals, and feed him to a pack of wild dogs on the streets of Ramallah. Crawlin' Ed: Nancy Pelosi? Uncle Jim: Frilled Lizard BITCH! Crawlin' Ed: Democracy? Uncle Jim: Never heard of it. Crawlin' Ed: Socialism? Uncle Jim: Schmocialism! Crawlin' Ed: Capitalism? Uncle Jim: Oh, you mean capital punishmentalism? I'll kill all those crooks in the capital . . . in fact, let's take those senators, lawyers, banksters, insurance salesmen, and congressmen, put 'em in an arena, and release some BULLS on 'em, FELLAS! Crawlin' Ed: Ron Paul? Uncle Jim: The family doctor. He just stuck his finger up my ass to check for polyps last week. Crawlin' Ed: Age of consent? Uncle Jim: I think they kill all ages in Gaza, last time I checked. Crawlin' Ed: Police? Uncle Jim: Some people are above the law. Crawlin' Ed: Jimi Hendrix? Uncle Jim: If that hippie chick Dolly woulda been polishin' Jimi's dagger in London like she shoulda been doin', instead of watchin' Brian Jones head-nod his way into Burt Lancaster's swimming pool, we never would have lost him! Crawlin' Ed: Elvis Presley? Uncle Jim: We hang out, play poker twice a year, eat steak tartare in a runaway boxcar. Did you see his cameo in Home Alone? He still has that beard! Crawlin' Ed: Michelle Obama? Uncle Jim: Her husband evidently got all the family dental work done for himself on their Blue Cross plan, the selfish bastard! But seriously, guy, I used to know her great-grandmother in my old Texas couch-fucking days and she ain't no chip off the old block, that's all I gotta say! Crawlin' Ed: Michelle Phillips? Uncle Jim: Isn't that the skinny one? Crawlin' Ed: South Park? Uncle Jim: Extremely tamed-down ripoffs of my screenplays that show in the outer stratosphere ONLY. Crawlin' Ed: Total Information Awareness? Uncle Jim: I haven't seen or heard any "total information" for decades . . . and next time you see anyone aware of anything, kidnap it and Fedex it to me. Here’s my account number: 3445-6722-JIM. Send the package SAME DAY SERVICE! Crawlin' Ed: Marijuana? Uncle Jim: Coming to a 7-11 near you. Crawlin' Ed: And on that pleasant note, we'll wrap things up. Thank you, Uncle Jim! Any last comments for the folks? Uncle Jim: It's somewhat difficult for an ancient Siberian tiger like myself to phrase a statement for a room full of mollusks that can barely comprehend the crustacean language, so I think I'll pass. Thanks anyway, GUY!  SLIPPY TOWN TIMES #4 June 14, 2010 IN THIS ISSUE: Intro (Crawlspace live!) This Week in Slippy Town Uncle Jim Q&A w/ Crawlin' Ed An Unexpected Bend in the Tide (1933 lost movie) Paul Revere & the Raiders (part 2) Swangin' Sounds! Comix Public Service Announcement 1968 Outro (R.I.P.) * * * SLIPPY TOWN TIMES online #1 SLIPPY TOWN TIMES online #2 SLIPPY TOWN TIMES online #3 |